Go Ahead - Lie to Me
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In the workplace people boast,
conceal, falsify, omit, spread gossip, misinform, or cover-up
embarrassing (perhaps even unethical) acts. They lie in order to avoid
accepting responsibility, to build status and power, to preserve a
sense of autonomy, to keep their jobs, to get out of unwanted work, to
get on the good side of the boss, to be perceived as “team players”
when their main interest is self-interest. These are the anti-social
lies that can damage reputations, derail careers, kill team morale and
any hope of collaboration. Lies to cover unethical or illegal
activities can even bring down an entire organization.
But according to Robin Dunbar, an
evolutionary psychologist at Oxford University in the United Kingdom,
there is another type of lies that are actually good for business — and
for business relationships. It’s called pro-social lying, although most
people refer to it as telling “white lies.” It’s the kind of lie we
tell when we want to protect someone or make them feel better.
To see how these two types of lies
affect relationships, Dunbar and a group of researchers with the Aalto
University School of Science in Finland devised a complex mathematical
model. The model showed how anti-social lies erode bonds over time and
how pro-social lies help create stronger bonds in a network.
When I was doing research for “The
Truth About Lies in the Workplace,” I asked people which
workplace liars they were most grateful for. Here are a few of their
replies:
I like liars who say,
“That’s a nice jacket.” I don’t care it it’s true, it makes me feel
good.
I’m grateful for co-workers
who ask me how my project is going, even if they’re just being polite.
My team leader tells us what
a great job we’re doing. We all know it’s not the truth, but we try to
live up to her expectations.
In “Why We Lie: The Evolutionary
Roots of Deception and the Unconscious Mind,” David Livingstone Smith
poses the theory that lying is deeply embedded in our subconscious as a
result of evolution. In evolutionary terms, being a successful liar
constitutes a “selective advantage” – which means simply that our
ancestors who didn’t develop the knack for deception died off, and
those who survived by lying passed on stronger and stronger genes for
this ability.
Most of the lies we tell are
self-serving deceptions that benefit us. (The job candidate who
exaggerates his/her accomplishments does so to look more qualified for
the position.) Some, the pro-social kind, are intended to benefit
others. (The co-worker who compliments a nervous colleague does so to
put him/her at ease.) And some lies are a mixture. (The manager who
tells competing candidates that he backs each of them, wants to boost
the self-esteem of both people, but also wants to be “on the winning
side” regardless of which one gets the job.)
As we now know, white lies actually
preserve the social order and can even be selfless. But this is not to
underestimate the kind of lies that seriously damage relationships and
organizations. I realize that this distinction can be like the “I know
it when I see it” test for pornography, but most human beings are
extremely nuanced in gauging another person’s selfishness as a liar.
The boss who gives you a false deadline because she knows you
procrastinate might actually seem canny and clever to you. The boss who
gives you an early deadline so that she can take credit for your work
to her supervisor is much harder to forgive. The early deadline might
be same in each example, but only one is hurtful and harmful.
With this distinction in mind, I hate
lying. I hate lies from others that are mean-spirited, and I hate
telling lies that force me to remember conflicting stories and that I
fear will shame or embarrass me if found out. Those lies are too
stressful and take too much of my emotional, physical, and mental
energy.
But in an emotionally congenial,
high-trust environment, where thinking you have to protect or defend
yourself happens less and less frequently, the most destructive kinds
of workplace lies diminish with startling rapidity, leaving the kindly,
well-intentioned social lies greater and greater scope to do their good
work.
So, I’d love to come to your meeting
but I’ll be on an important phone call at that time.
And, no, those jeans don’t make you
look fat.
About the Author
Carol
Kinsey Goman, Ph.D.is an international
Keynote speaker on collaborative leadership and the impact of
body
language in the workplace.
Communications
coach to executives to improve their leadership presence and
effectiveness.
Leadership blogger for Forbes and author of "The Silent Language of
Leaders: How Body Language Can Help - or Hurt - How You Lead.”
Carol@CarolKinseyGoman.com
Office: 510-526-1727
Berkeley, California
www.CarolKinseyGoman.com
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Article Published/Sorted/Amended on Scopulus 2014-08-13 09:06:15 in Personal Articles
